What Do I Want For Mothers Day? My Mom.

How do I describe my mother? She was strong willed, funny and smart (she’d kill me if I didn’t include that)…And her laugh oh…I can still hear it, loud and contagious. Everyone loved Barbara Jeanette, at least those who didn’t piss her off.

She was the oldest of three children so she was a natural born leader. And with everything she had been through she had to survive in the world the best way she knew…fighting. But her heart was big.

I miss her hugs the most. Her hugs were soft and cuddly. And her voice, her voice was so comforting. I loved how she said my name, “Lawra” in her thick Virginia accent. It made me feel loved and safe.

It’s been six years now as a mother myself and I miss my mom even more. It’s mostly because I want her big hugs and need her advice…raising three boys is a challenge at times. When she first passed, I was in denial and would literally reach for the phone to call her for advice; I sadly realized that would never happen again. I use to dream about her often, now I don’t. And even though, at that time, I would awake filled with sadness, I miss those dreams.

Its gut wrenching to lose your mother and to imagine the ability to heal such a deep dark hole is hard to wrap your mind around. Grief is a bitch. There’s no formula or structure to it…it just comes and goes. Each day is different for me. But as I struggle, I am determined to come to peace with it, one day.

My real hope is that my boys feel the same amount of love I felt from my mom. Something I will never forget.

A motherless mother,